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April
Subject: Retirement
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days
interesting. I went to the store the other day. I was only in there
for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a city cop writing out a
parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a piece of horse shit. He finished the second ticket and
put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 10 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets
he wrote. I didn't give a crap. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important
at my age.
Subject: CEO on the Rampage
A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. This new
boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of
workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business!
The new CEO walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much
money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young fellow looked at him and replied, "I make $300.00
a week. Why?"
The CEO then handed the guy $1,200 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks'
pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
"Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"
From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
Subject: One Last Cookie
As Ole lie on his death bed the wonderful
smell of Lena's chocolate chip cookies roused him to consciousness. "Before I
go," thought Ole, "I
vould love to have yust vun more of Lena's cookies."
So Ole mustered his strength and stumbled to the kitchen door. Bracing himself
on the door jamb, he saw mounds of freshly baked cookies cooling
on the table, and Lena fussing away baking more.
With his last ounce of strength, he fell to the table. As he grasped one of
Lena's delicious cookies to his lips, his bliss was interrupted by a
swat on the hand with a spatula.
Ole looked up to see Lena with her hands on her hips, saying, "you get out of
dose...dey're for da funeral!"
Subject: Always Be Kind to Others - or Else
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the
weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left
but a quarter and the second half of his round-trip ticket -- If he could just
get to the airport he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got
in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver
money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license
number, his address, etc, but to no avail.
The cabby said, "If you don't havefifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!"
So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in
time to catch his flight. One year later the businessman, having worked long and
hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won
big.
Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get
a cab ride back to the airport. Well, who should he see out there, at the end
of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride
when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his
lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the
airport," he asked?
"Fifteen bucks," came the reply.
"And how much for you to have sex with me?"
"What? Get the hell out of my cab."
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the
same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How
much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabby replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "OK" and off they
went.
Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big
smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.
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