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February

Subject:  Letter from Son

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.  Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed.  It was addressed:  "Dad".  With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad, It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.  I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.  I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice - even with all her piercings, tattoos, and her tight motorcycle clothes.  But it's not only the passion dad; she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for here as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.  She wants to have many more kids with me and that's now one of my dreams too.  Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy tabs we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!  Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself.  Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

John

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true/  I'm over at he neighbor's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.

I love you !  Call when it is safe for me to come home.

Subject:  Ole & Sven's Discovery!

Ole & Sven have just arrived in the USA by boat and Ole says to Sven," I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," Sven replies, "but if we are going to live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, Ole points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please," says Ole. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, Ole & Sven hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs."  Sven opens his first.

After staring at it for a moment, he leans over to Ole and whispers cautiously: "What part did you get?"

Subject:  The Doctor’s Visit

An older gentleman had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors.

The waiting room was filled with patients.  As he approached the receptionist desk he noticed that the receptionist was a very large unfriendly woman who looked like a sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Subject:  Today's Humor - Mathematical viewpoint...

From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as:
    1  2  3 4 5 6  7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G -E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.